Sexual fantasies: should you share them with a partner?

The actor Gillian Anderson has just released a book of sexual fantasies. Titled Want, it catalogues a diverse range of fantasies submitted anonymously by women from around the world, writes Dr Jade Elliott, senior lecturer in psychology at Liverpool John Moores University et al.

It is not the first to do so. In 1973, American author Nancy Friday published My Secret Garden, a volume that provoked fierce debate at the time and is now considered to be an important milestone in the sex-positive movement. Each book gives a fascinating snapshot of women’s relationships with their own sexuality at a different moment in history.

Though attitudes, vocabulary and specific fantasy content have undoubtedly changed in the intervening half-century, there are striking similarities between the books. This is not only true of the subject matter — workplace flings and group sex are apparently timelessly appealing — but also of how people feel about their fantasies. Shame, in particular, continues to loom large in many women’s feelings about their own erotic imaginings.

Past research indicates that most adults (of all genders) experience sexual fantasies, suggesting many of us have grappled with whether to tell a partner about ours. Over the past four years, we have been conducting research that explores this question: how do people decide whether to disclose their sexual fantasies – and what happens when they do?

An act of closeness

The women featured in both My Secret Garden and Want vary considerably in the degree to which they have chosen to share their fantasies with a partner. Some describe passionate relationships enhanced by the disclosure and enactment of erotic fantasies, while others intend to take their favourite fantasy to the grave.

We were interested in understanding the psychology of such radically different approaches. In a study published earlier this year in The Journal of Sex Research, we asked 287 people to reflect on a recent or prominent sexual fantasy. We found that over 69% of participants had previously disclosed their fantasy to a partner. Of those, more than 80% found this to be a positive experience.

Unsurprisingly, participants commonly cited sexual desire as their main reason for opening up. For example, many said they had shared their fantasy with a partner in the hope that they could act it out together. Others reported that they found talking about sexual fantasies arousing, or that discussing secret desires allowed them to learn more about their partner.

Several participants explained that they valued honesty and openness and that the level of trust and commitment in their relationship made them feel safe to share their fantasy with their partner.

Not all reasons for disclosing fantasies were positive, however. Some said they disclosed their fantasy in a last-ditch attempt to spice up an unsatisfying sex life.

The power of shame

Among the group who had chosen not to share their fantasy, many cited its content as the primary reason. Consistent with accounts in both My Secret Garden and Want, several of our participants were ashamed of their fantasy, or felt it to be too extreme or taboo to share with their partner.

Some — especially those whose partners had not responded well to similar conversations in the past — were worried they would receive a negative response that could cause problems for their relationship. We also heard from several people who explained that, put simply, their fantasies were private joys that they had no desire or intention to discuss with anyone.

In a series of follow-up studies yet to be published, we explored some of these ideas in more depth. One important finding is that relationship traits are a key predictor of whether a person will disclose their fantasy. For example, disclosure was more likely in relationships that already involved large amounts of sexual novelty and exploration.

We also confirmed that the content of a fantasy is critical to a person’s decision about whether to share it. Anything that is likely to be considered unacceptable by a partner or is otherwise potentially threatening to the relationship (such as a move away from monogamy), is unlikely to be disclosed. Indeed, even among participants who had previously shared a fantasy, we found over half also had at least one more that they were unwilling to divulge.

While our findings suggest that people who choose to tell their partner about their erotic daydreams usually get a good response, we also found that the process by which people reach that decision can be complicated. Some people have very good reasons for keeping their fantasy to themselves.

Hopefully, Want will help to reduce some of the shame associated with the very common experience of fantasising about sex. But its similarities to a book published 50 years earlier suggest we may still have a long way to go.

This article was originally published in The Conversation and is authored by Jade Elliott, senior lecturer in psychology (LJMU), Matt Kimberley, assistant lecturer in psychology (Birmingham City University) and Samuel Jones, lecturer in applied cognitive psychology (The Open University).